9th July 2018

You define who you are, no-one else!

**This is my experiences not anyone else’s & I will NOT be going into details but if you are offended easily I recommend you don’t read this just in case… You have been warned**

This is going to be one of hardest blogs I will of had to write so far. I am gonna do it though no matter how hard it is because in my eyes once again it is a different perspective than what you would be used to. As many of you know I was sexually abused as a child, I am not going to go through specific details as this could upset someone who is reading it, & as stated above. Here we go….

3-6 years old

At 3 years old I was introduced to my mother’s new partner. From that day on my life would change in a dramatic way. As with most men of his agenda he appeared very normal, nice, polite, smart & respectful man. Not long after came the beatings. You will NEVER forget your first punch to the face when you are a child & it is an adult who you should be able to trust doing it. I was in shock, I didn’t even cry at the time for maybe a couple of minutes  after when life started making sense again. From there things just got worse. Some things I remember others things I do not. Not because I don’t want to but more because it became the norm for me. Did anyone protect me? No! Did anyone save me? No. Did my mother know it was happening? Yes!

6-10 years old

When I had just turned 6 they got married despite the fact my own mother knew I was being beaten by this man. We then moved in together & this is where the sexual abuse starts. I started off as just getting photos taken of me naked & in different positions, it just got worse from there, The first time it ever happened I told my mothers but he said it was a misunderstanding & Lou Lou being the great mother she is, she believed him over me. Being a victim at the time I can tell you your biggest fear is not being believed. So when that happened I was devastated, I couldn’t believe she believed him over me… I’m her child… That was the day I realised I came last in her life. Would you believe the man in your life or your child when it comes to something like this? I mean yes there are children out there that would lie about it for attention but if my child said it to me I would at the very least investigate it. This went on every weekend if not more  for four years.

After two years I turned off my emotions. I would cry every time it happened, the emotional burden of it all was way too much. He had told me if I told anyone what was happening he would kill my grandma – who I loved more than anyone & who raised me & was female role model. So I had two choices, break down & crumbles or turn off & survive. So I turned off my emotions (yes, like the vampire diaries) to survive. So I stopped crying, worrying & feeling low & used. I didn’t give him the power over me that he would take me life. I had been there trying to jump out of windows that as a child I thought were high up – in reality was I would probably of broken a leg, or once taking a lot of hormone tablets – again I just saw them as pills so thought they would kill me. But got caught twice not that anyone did anything about it. So my emotions disappeared, I needed to survive this, I would not let him win this. He would go on the computer straight after my mother got back so I can only assume I was put on child porn sites. He had a floppy disc camera that he said was on loan from work & the disc he would be using for me would be the one he would put in the computer, I only know this because I had to get a glass of water while my mother was saying goodbye to her friends.

 

10+ years

When I was ten years old my mother & stepfather got divorced –  not to sound selfish but nothing to do with me may I add. So I told her again while they were estranged, I begged her not to tell my now ex stepfather which she promised she wouldn’t do. That night we went round to his house & he was in bed so I was told to sit on the couch & my mother went up the stairs, they were talking for ages… after like an hour I was told to come up stairs & again she told him & he made it out that it was a misunderstanding again. I was then made to apologise to him.

A few months later I met my mother’s new boyfriend, yes she moves on that quickly. So again another nice enough man ( little did I know the real him yet ) but I was fucking terrified. He got me a MacDonald’s & we watched tv, when I say we I mean just me, why was that?  Well, my mother & her new boyfriend were snogging on the couch across from me & feeling each other up. I left room & got to the stairs falling into a heap starting to go through a panic attack, first I couldn’t breathe, then I got hot, then the uncontrollable shakes began & boom I was in tears. Did anyone come to see how I was or even notice I was gone, the simple answer is no. I was so scared it was all gonna happen to me again. Personally I feel to bring another man into my life so soon is just a selfish move & rather disgusting of her. That was the night that I came out with every thing that had been done to me She FINALLY believed me, after one of my hugest fears was getting called a liar cause believe me that is the last thing you want to hear when coming out with something as huge as this. But finally I was believed I coudlnt believe I was saying these words once I started I couldn’t stop I just kept going & going there was no stopping me. I felt a huge relief, it was almost euphoric.

 

Today

I can’t tell you it’ll go away or that you will never feel the feat of it again, but I can tell you that you don’t need to let it rule your life. You can be “normal”. Read this out loud “I give over to positivity“. If you bring a positive outlook into your lives & see the positive in each day & take each day as it comes, you don’t need to think too far into the future cause you need to be prepared for change. I may have BPD with Bipolar & Anxiety disorders, but I will not let that define me. What happened to me was not my fault. I did not ask for it. I was just a child, I did only what a child would think of. 

You have to believe in yourself, that you are more than just a shell of a person that was abused at any age,You are a SURVIVOR not a victim. You have survived what happened, when it was going on you never thought you would get out of it you thought you couldn’t go to anyone & most importantly you felt alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way.You don’t need to paint a mask on to be “normal” you can be yourself & accept it is apart of you now & that’s okay, it’s made you who you are today & you can handle anything that comes your way.

If anyone is a survivor & would like to talk I am available on social media oe I am begging you to talk to someone if you need to a loved one or someone you can trust. STOP THE STIGMA.

 

Until next time xoxo

Comments

Leave a Reply