29th April 2018

It’s my life, Im half way there. I’m living on a prayer!

So here I am sitting watching the vampire diaries with my parter thinking about what will be a good first post & how will I grasp you all into reading this. Well unfortunately I don’t know what the best first post will be. So I’m just gonna write a bit more about me.
I live with two herniated discs in my spine & a bulge coming out of another hitting the 4th sciatic nerve & fibromyalgia. Every day is pain & being unable to do things like cleaning or walking to the shops. It’s so frustrating. I used to be so independent & free & now I feel so alone & lonely. I am constantly dependant upon my partner (who is my carer) to take care of sometimes even helping me to the toilet. It’s honestly ridiculous! It is so annoying not being able to do things for myself. I just want to be the girl I used to be, living for life & being independent. It’s so hard when your life changes dramatically & it all happens so fast that you feel you be hardly blinked & the change has happened. The change took years to progress to where it is now but the point is even a few years can seem like nothing. It’s unreal how quickly time goes passed. It’s like months can go by in the blink of an eye.
The other “problem” I suffer from is borderline personality disorder with bipolar tendencies & anxiety disorders. This is a whole new subject. I’ve had it my whole life but because of the way I was treated as a child verbally/physically/sexually abused from the age of 3 till 10. Those years important years of development all screwed up because of people’s choices. I was innocent in this situation yet to this day I bully myself over what happened. I go over & over in my head what has happened. Picking bits out to blame myself for, things I am thinking about with an adult mind & how I would handle it now instead of thinking of it like I had as a child. So anyway yeah my childhood was screwed up so I lived with my grandparents most of my life. They were my rocks one of two sets who gave me a stable household to live in & I felt safe there. When I was 15 my grandmas cancer came back & she was terminal so I dropped out of school to take care of her. I didn’t care about anything but her. We became best friends in that time. One day the nurses were round & I was sitting with my grandma who had her arm around me & I was just talking to her about life while she got all the medical stuff done to her. One if the nurses called Fiona said “this is the most lovely thing I’ve ever seen”. It really touched me. I didn’t think I’d remember thus so far but I have. I hold it very close to me. It was the biggest compliment I’ve had to this day. I never knew the impact my grandma dying would have on me. But I had no time to grieve I had my gravdpa with dementia & my uncle with down syndrome to take care of so there was no time.
So all of this affected how my mind got wired. I think things are very black & white, good/bad, right/wrong, stunning/ugly (🤣). I struggle with my emotions & how to deal with them. I have a problem keeping relationships says she with the nearly 8 year long relationship. But seriously it is a struggle for me in general. So not only am I in pain physically but also mentally. But do you know what that doesn’t define me & I won’t let this be my life. I am stronger than that. I am used to being in pain but I’m not used to happiness & that’s my goal so each day I get up & am thankful that I’ve made it another day & have survived. That means more to me than anything else. I am a positive person & I am adamant that I will be happy in life & there will come a day that I’m no longer in pain. My life is not determined by pain, misery or my past, it is going to be different. I’m gonna make it in this life. & I’ll never stop trying!

Thanks for reading. Much love xoxo

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