21st May 2018

Hello I’m Pain an emotional thing! Who are you?

Those of you that know me & have read this blog before know that I suffer with chronic pain. For those of you who don’t know I have spine problems, two herniated discs in my spine & a bulge coming out of another hitting the 4th sciatic nerve & also fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain disorder. So if there’s something I know about it’s pain & they say write what you know!

So why do I say pain is an emotional thing? Well pain affects us all differently but I can guarantee you that if you’ve been in chronic pain you’ll agree it is emotional. It drains you physically & mentally. It breaks down your walls & leaves you feeling broken down & worthless.

I may be all sunshine & rainbows online but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my pain days or struggle.

I can put a front on now & function, support others & be a good partner & friend. But when I was first in pain I couldn’t do a thing. I would pass out from the pain, have emotional breakdowns, it was like walking on constant egg shells with me. I would snap at the smallest thing, I was always tired & lethargic (I still am but nowhere near as bad as I used to be).

I would struggle to stay awake but also struggle to sleep. It was exhausting. I still get days/nights like that. But with time you get used to the pain & become more able to do normal things. Yes I can’t stand for longer than a couple of minutes or walk further than 5 metres but trust me it used to be worse. Yes over time I’ve been able to stand less time & walk less distance but I’m more used to the pain apart from the sharp out of nowhere ones. But with all the pain I was an emotional wreck. Maybe it was just me with my mental health illnesses because I feel emotions more intensely, but honestly I was emotionally drained. The pain would cause anger & sadness that it was happening to me, these emotions would consume me. I cry constantly partly because the pain is so bad & partly because of the emotions that come with it. Anxiety of becoming paralyzed is always a worry & every morning I wake up I feel my legs to make sure I can still feel them. It’s hard living life like this. Fact is I have numbness in my legs & arms & they are extremely sensitive due to the fibro, a small touch can feel like a full on punch right inbetween the muscles. Which if you’ve had that done you’ll know how sore it is & can give you a dead arm/leg.

But it’s okay not to be okay. If life flings a grenade think like call of duty & you have 5 seconds to throw it back. Don’t let anything get you down or ruin your life for you. You are still in control, I thought I wasn’t when I first became in pain & now looking back & seeing how much stronger it has made me & that I was always in control I just didn’t believe it. For 7 & a half years I didn’t touch alcohol due to the medication I got put on & at Drs orders & now I enjoy the odd drink with no side effects & can have a good time without worrying about every last detail of what’s going on. I now live my life the way I want to. I’m not living it for Drs or my pain levels or my emotional instability. I’m living it for the fact of living life. I might not be able to do things other people can, like boogie on the dance floor without my wheelchair or walk to the shops or travel without help but… screw it that’s just semantics. No-one is better than me just because they can move about & exercise & I’m certainly not better than anyone else.

The moral of the story is you can do anything you want in life no matter what your situation, pain does not define you & it’s okay not to be okay. Remember that always. Don’t define yourself by your circumstances because that’s all they are, just circumstances. They might mean something to you but they definitely don’t define you.

Until next time xoxo

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