1st November 2018

From negative Nancy to positive Pam – Part one

Hey everyone, I’M BACK!! I have spent the last month or so sorting my head out & basically stripping myself down to the bare & putting myself back together again. I am now in a better head space & in a more positive mindset, therefore able to come back to you all & tell you the story of how I have been able to become who I now am. So about a month ago I was on the phone to my best friends & I had a sort of awakening I put it down to drinking & carried on with life just ignoring it & not thinking too much about it – I’ll explain more soon. Then three weeks ago I had another episode which I do not remember a lot about. Basically as you all know I have had a rough life from being abused at a young age to have an emotionally abusive mother, so to put this in as easy terms as possible, I was in a deep depression my whole life. Never getting the chance to get over one situation before another one would arise before me. I was so down trodden & dour on myself. I would literally bully myself. Say someone would call me pretty, I would say thank you but inside I would be saying “yeah right, check the state of you.” I was always bullying myself & putting myself down. It was my go to move. I had lost the ability to feel anything good, I could only feel crappy things in life & the bad chemicals in my brain like cortisol which mixed with adrenaline makes you feel awful & takes all the joy out of life. There was no serotonin or dopamine in my life to make me feel good & for me to have a healthy addiction to. I had no respect for myself & barely looked after myself. I had no joy. Then three weeks ago I hit rock bottom. My body, brain & mind had given up. They couldn’t do it with me anymore I was giving myself no satisfaction so why should it put up with my bullshit anymore. The simple answer is it shouldn’t.

 

I had a nervous breakdown. I completely broke & all my insecurities came pouring out of me, from Brian leaving me to people manipulating me to death. All my fears & the in between’s came out of me. I began a seven hour torment of shite coming out of me. Unfortunately it was aimed at Brian & Lisa, they say we take out our problems on the ones we love so I must really love them which I obviously do, sorry bad joke LOL!! If I don’t laugh at what’s happened then the depression has won. I went on & on for sever hours. When I eventually came to, well when I say came to what I mean is what I remember. The funny thing with it all is that I don’t remember pretty much the whole thing. I remember slices here & there but over all its a complete blank. I only know what I have been told & the slices I remember & have put together from there. I was absolutely disgusting & vile but it was 20 odd years of being put down, abused & taken for granted. That’s got to wear on you, now doesn’t it? I spent seven years in therapy & I have never had such a break through as I did that night. Yes sheer poison came out of me but think about all the good that is in me now because all that evil has come out. Hands up if you have seen supernatural? Well you know when a demon is possessing a human & the human is still in there but they have no control over their body? That;s kinda like how I felt. The new Pam was always in there but I couldn’t do anything about it I just had to wait until the demon was exorcised & now I can finally breathe & am free to be me & live the life I was meant to.

So let’s move on from the negative. Yes all this poison came out of me & it was horrible, but at the end of it was left a blank slate & it feels amazing. I’m like a raw nerve feeling everything for the first time. I can feel everything so strongly & can put those emotions onto other people which I think is a gift in a way, but I can imagine it is also a curse as well especially when you’re feeling something private & you put that emotion onto someone else. #AWKWARD!! Everything feels so new & sparkly. I can’t get over any of it. Everything is just so exciting to me right now. I am in awe of all around me & so humbled by everything & everyone I talk to. You are all amazing by the way. Believe that!! I am in this total high because those chemicals I talked about earlier in this post, well, I am now swimming in them. I feel amazing. My posture is better, I have a new lease for life, I would like a more independent lifestyle, I would like to go out & do things, I would like to redecorate, I would like to study again, I would like to do so many things & I am making the plans to do them which is amazing for me. I have done a complete 180 in such little time. I have stared death straight in the eyes & laughed, was reborn & given a second chance. Yes that might sound nuts to some people. You’ll be like reborn, say whaaaa….!! But what I mean is psychologically. I had no quality of life & this reminds me of what my grandma told me when she decided she was ready to die. She told me life isn’t about quantity of life, it’s about quality. This totally makes sense to me now. I had little going for me & no prospects of anything happening. I have friends & good things in my life but over all there was nothing inside me that was fueling the fire to motivate me to keep going.

I’m going to end this here as it’s getting a bit long but tune in tomorrow for part two of this blog & continue reading about my experience of this turn around I have gone through. I hope you have enjoyed reading this so far & you have a great day xoxo

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