Isn’t it amazing that we can feel? Some of you might think it’s weird that I have started this post with that question but let me explain what I mean. I have been going through a lot of change in the last few months, like A LOT of change and it’s only going to keep changing for now. Let’s start with the awakening. I don’t remember most of my old life and I don’t really want to. Not because I think I was a bad person or that I don’t feel old Pam deserves to be remembered but because there was so much hurt and heartache involved in my old life that it really isn’t worth getting into and remembering it all because I really do not know how I would handle it. It could bring back my depression, it could bring me back to a dark place or maybe I am well-adjusted enough now to deal with it, in any case I’m not willing to delve into that area of my life. It has been and gone and I have let it go which is all I wanted to do but didn’t know how, so my brain did it for me by wiping my memory of all the horrible things that have happened to me. Yes I could read my previous blog posts about it all but what would that accomplish really? Probably nothing so it’s time to move on with my life in a positive way. There is the first huge change; basically everything that was me is now different. I am a much more positive and have adjusted better to life than previously.
Next which is a huge topic is the fact that Brian and I have split up. I know shock horror, bet no one saw that coming… but it has happened. It’s been a good thing though because it has made us both see what we really want. There was no argument or throwing insults back and forth at each other. It was all very amicable and grown up. I’m not going to go into personal details or anything but it has all worked out better than I thought it would. So we are living apart just now. But we still talk and see each other. The dogs have probably taken it harder than I have but I suppose I know I am going to see him again and talk to him whereas they don’t. They’ll be fine though. Brian has gotten help with his depression and become a whole new Brian well I say a whole “new” Brian what I really mean is he is back to the old Brian the one I fell in love with. I am so happy that he is back to his normal self and has some drive back in his life. He has purpose again and is feeling a lot better. I am honestly so proud of him. He is doing really well.
You can tell there has been a lot of change going on and that things will be continuing to change. Unfortunately the facts of life is that things will change as life goes on and it is how we deal with those changes that counts. I could of gone into my shell and not dealt with what is going on but I decided to keep myself busy so I have been gutting the flat and tidying up. The aim is to have the flat gutted by the New Year. I think that is completely doable. It hasn’t been done in a loooong time and is well over due but I am getting through it bit by bit. I’ll get there.
Even a negative can be a positive
Even with all these negative emotions going on I am still so thankful to be able to feel. The fact human beings can feel such a range of emotions is just amazing to me. I spent so long numb (even though I didn’t know I was numb) that I am just so thankful to feel a normal range of emotion and their pure intensity. I mean imagine feeling numbed up love, that’s not true love, it’s like love on ice. Why would you want to feel that when you can feel the real McCoy? So even though I am feeling all these negative emotions I am just so grateful to feel that I really don’t care because feeling is so important. Negative emotions will pass and the happy ones will come back around you just need to have faith and believe in yourself and all that you can do. You are capable of anything in this life. You just need to prove it to yourself but if you put your mind to something and really believe you can achieve it you will do it no matter what. It may take time, patience, energy…etc but you will get there. You are never too old to start your life over and move on from the shit you have had to deal with in your life. Things could always be worse and there is always someone worse off than you because at the end of the day everyone has a different perspective of what is bad so my level of bad might not be your level of bad or the next persons, so on and so forth.
Emotions are great
Being able to feel at a normal intensity again is just the most marvellous thing that has ever happened to me. I finally get what it is like to be “normal”. All these years of feeling like an outcast and now I can say yeah I am just like everyone else. I feel just like everyone else. I never thought I would consider myself just like everyone else. It is literally a miracle. Yes the night of the awakening was a complete nightmare and I don’t really remember much from it but I do know that I was overcome with all these emotions at once and my brain didn’t know what to do so I just acted out which was completely out of my control. I mean how many people get to experience that? Not many I can’t imagine so the fact that I did and now feel like a much better person is just amazing and I am truly grateful that it happened. If it hadn’t of happened then I would of carried on living my life the way I was and that just wasn’t healthy.
I am so thankful to be able to feel again. In case you didn’t get that idea ha ha ha. I haven’t felt everything yet but I am so excited to feel everything and be able to know that I am feeling the true intensity of something and not some numbed up version of it. When I look back I can’t believe how numb I was. Feeling is a good thing and we should all be more grateful that we can feel, even the negative ones because the alternative is just dyer. Trust me.