7th July 2018

Addiction – the ruler of withdrawal

**I want to make something clear right at the start & that is that I am only talking about my experiences. This might not be the same for everyone.**

Many of you will know that I am disabled & have mental health difficulties, For these illnesses I take a buck load of medication. I’m talking about the addictive medication today which ranges from morphine to antidepressants.to antispasmodics. Like I said I’m on a lot of medication & unfortunately most of it has a drowsy side effect & also its addictive. In my life I have pretty much been through it all so believe me when I say I understand both sides of addiction maybe not mentally but I can sympathise with how you would end up addicted mentally.

Lets start with the situation I am in just now. So I take around 35-40 odd pills a day so it’s a lot. I am in the process of having my medication reviewed & I am coming off some to go on others, it’s hard to figure things out but basically I had to change Dr’s so now I am finding out I shouldn’t be on half the medication I am & I’ve lost my teeth because of that, I’ve become addicted to some that aren’t doing anything for me anymore & the only reason I’m on them is to stop me from going through withdrawal. So as I said all my medication is getting reviewed & changed for example I’ve been on diazepam (valium) for the last 5 years, it no longer has any effect on me but instead of taking me off it gradually they kept me on it to avoid me going through withdrawal & just laziness on the Dr’s side.

The one thing I have learned is, there are different kinds of addiction, there’s being mentally addicted, physically addicted & a mixture of the two. For me I have never been mentally addicted to anything but cigarettes, but I am most definitely physically addicted to my medication. So the differences to be mentally addicted is when you feel you need the drugs to keep you going & you try to get higher & higher, taking more & more & yet never catching that dragon. When you go out looking for the drugs & obtaining them illegally. To be physically addicted is when your body needs it to stop you from from going through withdrawal. Your mind on the other hand is like I wish I didn’t need to take these, its not saying that you need these drugs but your body is starting to hurt & the withdrawals start so your body is calling out to you to tell you its missing the chemicals it has now become used to within itself. Also you are only taking the prescribed amount & not going over that amount. So yes my body wants the medication or I start going through withdrawal. It’s not pleasant & I hate that I am addicted in this way. Plus I have been through withdrawal several times & yes I would rather not go through that ( I’m going to cover that as well). Addiction is a horrible thing & like I said I can appreciate it from all sides of addiction because I have been through withdrawal & I can see why you would want to get more drugs in order to stop the withdrawal.

I wasn’t well a couple of weeks back for like a week. I hde gastroenteritis which is bad enough as it is but you throw IBS in there & it’s honestly not pleasant at all. I would take my pills morning, afternoon & night &Ii threw them up straight way for a week. So that’s like 49 odd pills a day getting thrown up. So I started going through withdrawal ( not my first time may I add). I was irritable, constantly taking tantru,s, my legs were unbelievably restless (defo the worst symptom for me), my body aches, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I want even posting on social media or writing on here because I felt so ill through withdrawal, I couldn’t even smoke a cigarette without thinking it was nasty. My best mates noticed a change in me, I wasn’t my usually happy, positive & bubbly self. I was just irritable & quiet. I would start of happy cause I would be thrilled to see them on video call, as time went on I would get quieter & just awkward to be honest. When you go through withdrawal it is hard to concentrate on anything but that, it makes you want to go out & find something to just take the side effects away. This is why Dr’s gradually take you off medication. Plus I’m on oxycotton to coming off that suddenly  & the full amount could of killed me. Morphine like oxycotton is the same as coming off heroin basically not recommended. So I felt terrible, this is why I can understand why people end up with a severe addiction because if I had known someone I could of bought from to get rid of the withdrawal I really would of considered it.

There was this other time, as I said to you I have recently changed my Dr’s so my old Dr’s pretty much hated me & now I have found out a lot that they were doing wrong. So I got a letter saying they were chucking me out of the practice so I applied to a new Dr’s the very same day. I was told by the new Dr’s that they were a bit behind with their applications so it could take up to a month & legally my old Dr’s had to give me a prescription for a months supply. So I phoned the prescription line & told them. The next day I found out that they would only give me a two week supply of my medications. So two weeks went by & I phoned the new Dr’s & told them that I had no more medication & the old Dr’s wouldn’t give me anymore. So I eventually got a prescriptions from the new Dr’s even though I technically wasn’t registered to any Dr surgery. But I did not get my full subscription so for two weeks I went without some of my pills the most dangerous one being my Sleeping pills & short term morphine. So once again I was going through withdrawal for two weeks & feeling awful again, dying for the pain to stop. The horrible thing about not being on my morphine is that I’m in pain on it so you can imagine the pain I must be in when I’m off it. I’s not pleasant.

This has been a very difficult post to write & if you’ve made this far – congratulations, because I did drone on a bit too much but I wanted to get my experiences across properly & hopefully made you a bit more aware of addiction & the types of it & how it actually feels. I have been very open about something I don’t really talk about or like to moan about because I know there are people a lot worse off than I, who are fighting every day to overcome this horrible disease that drugs give us, all because Dr’s would rather put you on dangerous medication than find different ways to deal with these situations. There’s got to be a better way & I hope to be part of it one day. My aim is to find a way to be pain free & I blog & sell make up to make money so that I can see a private Dr & be able to afford treatment to help my back pain & maybe so I can get to have a better quality of life.

Until next time xoxo

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