Most children went to bed & got a cuddle & kiss from their mumma bear & they felt safe because of that – Hell no is the boogy man getting in here tonight you would say. Mum’s are those people that you should be able to come to about anything & they make you feel safe, they never cry in front of you or put their stresses on you. Well this was not my experience with my mother. From lies to deceits to downright evilness.
So lets start off with the last blog I wrote. That was all to do with my mothers choices & putting what I needed last – as per usual. If you have a close & good relationship with your mother then good on you & you have what I have always wanted but have never had. But do you know what? Some relationships are never meant to be had. Yes, maybe I was easily manipulated as a child but as I grew up I started to notice little tells when she was lying like how her voice would go up an octave or that she would become extremely defensive all the time when she would lie. But as a child you don’t think of these things, you just go by what you have been told & that’s it. I like to think I am a good judge of character but not when it has come to my mother. & Why? Well because she’s my mother & you don’t want to think bad of the only parent you’ve had in your life. But the real question is was she really in my life much more than my father?
Lets break it down in my childhood my father was in my life for 3 years then sporadically till I was around 8. I lived with my mother as a mother for a total of 4 years, the rest of the time my grandma & grandpa raised me. So did I really have her in my life for that much longer than my father. Well not really… I would sit on our big chest in the hall & wait for her to come home for weeks to months at a time. One time I waited so long that I went through to my grandma & told her I was promoting her to mum & my mother to a distant cousin because my grandma loved me & my mother did want to see me anymore. Heart breaking for a child to think do you not think?
The other HUGE thing about my mother is the whoppers she told especially to me & especially about my father. That he hated me & didn’t want me & that I was the cause of them splitting up not to mention that they split when I was around 3. Now the bullshit fog has risen & I finally have a relationship with my father after 28 (at the time) years of being fed lie after lie. He has told me the complete truth about everything & understands that I only went by what I was told. Completely reasonable about the whole thing whereas had that been my mother she would of been bad mouthing, playing the victim & just genuinely playing the woe is me card. I know her better than she knows herself.
The amount of times that I stood up for her even as a young child (from the age of 3), took beatings (for things she did wrong) & got raped for her, listening to her problems from the age of 3 upwards, took abuse be it sexual/emotional/manipulative/verbal from her partners that she constantly cheated on with others including going off on my 16th birthday to go off to have an affair. NO… enough is enough. I have done my time. So yes I gave her an ultimatum after being told all I do is cause trouble & that I deserved to be sexually abused as a child by her partner which she denies hearing. Either she picks a relationship with me or a relationship with him. She clearly made her choice but I left the connection open to still be in touch, to then get a text the next day to be told the next day I was bullying her – bullshit. I was just trying to prove she actually wanted me, that she genuinely loved me that her partners didn’t come before me but I was right about what I had known all along, I knew she never wanted me or she would of raised me & not my grandparents (who were never even asked to look after me). It’s hard to think that your own mother did not care about you but that is the world I grew up in. Not only did I grow up being told me dad hated me (complete lies) but she hated me too (the truth).
The things she told me & put me through were despicable I refuse to go into deep details in this blog because it’s pointless, it won’t change what happened to me & it doesn’t change that I pushed through it, found my strength & cut her out of my life. I now have a relationship with my father which I am truly grateful for & he is an amazing man & I’m not just saying that because we are like twins haha. Since ending my relationship with Louise Yes Louise no longer worthy of the name mum or mother not that she was called it anyway. but its metaphorical. :-p
I now have this wonderfully flourishing relationship with my dad & he is a pretty awesome guy who has actually made me feel wanted. Yes it does make me think oh I could of felt this way my whole life. I’ve let myself feel vulnerable which I don’t do often with many people. I am just genuinely happy nowadays & I feel good. Not only do I have a kick ass dad in my life but his girlfriend who I called my “wickedly cool step maw” is amazing as well. She has taken this all in her stride & has thanked me even when I didn’t deserve thanked. She’s warm, friendly, loving, very good to my dad, lovely & doesn’t hold the past against me cause she knows I’m not that person anymore.
Long may it continue & let me tell you from experience if you are in a crappy relationship with your parents either on or have been manipulated by them or anything. You don’t need them if you are old enough to move away & do your own thing it may of taken me 29 years but you could do it at 19 if not 18. Believe in yourself. Believe in your truth. Find out both sides & make your own mind up.
Until next time xoxo